More fun with grammar

It's true...I love language, but I absolutely swoon over punctuation when it's used correctly, especially apostrophes and quotes.

Apostrophes signify missing letters in contractions ("it" + "is" = "it's"), and they indicate possessives ("Tim's turn"). They don't make acronyms plural: The plural of CD is CDs, not CD's. And they don't do anything useful in these sad examples: outta' and its'. Don't fling apostrophes around like sprinkles and hope they land somewhere useful.

Quotes indicate quoted material (duh) or ironic expressions. They don't add emphasis; they only confuse people who look for irony where there is none. A restaurant in my hometown advertised its homemade "food" -- no doubt they were not being ironic, but at first glance, you seek the irony: If not food, what the heck were they serving? And the classic is: I "respect" you. Right. Acid test: If you see quotes and shudder, they probably don't belong there.

Show punctuation some love!

Ow, my ears!

These mispronunciations kill me. (Hint: if you're not sure of the pronunciation, choose another word. That's why I avoid "banal"...I really should look that pronunciation up in my favorite Big Book of Beastly Mispronunciations.)

empire waistline.
Don't say "umpire waistline." This fashion style has little to do with baseball officiating.
Say ahm-PEER (French pronunication) waistline.

memento.
Don't say "MO-men-to." Here's a hint: Think "remember" or "reminisce." Don't think "moment," or it's all over. (And please don't go saying "reMOnisce" either.)
Say mem-MEN-toe.

Moscow.
Don't say "Mos-cow." There's no "cow" in Moscow.
Say Mos-coe.

Neanderthal.
Don't say "Nee-AN-der-thal." Lest you be thought one, the "h" in "thal" is silent (German pronunciation).
Say Nee-AN-der-tall.

nuclear.
Don't say "NUKE-you-lar." Thank you, Still President Bush, for this legacy.
Say NEW-clee-ar.

often.
Don't say"OFF-ten." Do you say the "t" in "listen" and "soften"? The "t" is silent.
Say OFF-en.

would have, should have
Don't say (or write) "would of, should of." These phrases don't exist.
Use "would have" or "should have."
Note: This is also flat wrong: "If I would have known...".
It's "If I had known...".
A correct use of "would have" is: "I would have called you, if you had let me know. But probably not, given your careless pronunciation."

Less is more -- sometimes, but not this time!

While "less is more" is often true (as in decorating and accessorizing), "less" is different from "more" in this sense: "More" is easy...it applies to things you can count and things you can't. "Less" applies to uncountable things (like taste), and "fewer" applies to countable things (like potatoes).

Some examples:

I want more bananas.
Correct! You can count a number of bananas.

I want more banana bread, please.
Correct! You presumably want another portion, or a larger portion, and I don't blame you.

So "more" works in either case: countable or uncountable.

I want less bananas.
Nope; this is wrong. If it's a quantity that you can count, and you don't want more or the same number, then you want "fewer," not "less."
I want fewer bananas.
Correct.

I want less banana bread.
Correct. Perfect. More for me.

So "less" varies by context, which makes it tricky to use. So try to give your listeners or readers a clue whenever you can. If they hear or see "fewer," they can expect less of something countable. If they hear or see "less," they can expect less of something abstract or uncountable.

Your turn!

• I've had (less or fewer) mojitos than you.
• Express lane: 10 items or (less or fewer).
• They have (less or fewer) pennies, and even (less or fewer) sense.

If cats had language (and blogs): Parsley's blog

[Back by popular demand, today's post is by my cat-whispering daughter, Lauren. Thanks, p-pod!]

Feed me
By Parsley

My Profile

Name: Parsley Moore
Location: Stuck inside the house
About me
I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. Also I love to eat. I'm so hungry. So very, very hungry.

Likes
The Furminator, chasing things, growling, hissing, howling at the door, howling for food, howling at Cilantro.

Dislikes
Doors and other restrictions to the outdoors, having to put up with other cats and humans, being hungry.

Friday
Why won't they feed me I'm so hungry I want to go out why won't they let me out oh god i'm trapped in this place SO HUNGRY GRRRR

Saturday
Today I yelled at the humans to feed me IMMEDIATELY. They didn't.

Sunday
The humans picked me up today, which I'll tolerate as long as they scritch my chin. Also I sat on the big human's lap. It's times like these, and also when they feed me, when it's nice to have humans around.

Monday
Cilantro is really creeping me out with all the attention. He walked up to me purring like crazy and I was like, "chill, man," and he was all "but I love you and stuff, please just pay attention to me" so I just bonked him in the face. He can be so clingy at times.

Tuesday
I GOT TO GO OUTSIDE TODAY MY LIFE IS COMPLETE I'M SO HAPPY I COULD HOWL

Wednesday
Oregano smacked me in the face today. Completely unprovoked too! I mean, all I did was hiss at him when he tried to pass me to get into the next room and then swat at his head a couple times. Man, that cat gets on my nerves.

Thursday
I got fed today. Mmmmm, food. Food is so great. I mean, it's delicious. I think I would die without food. I love food so much.

Friday
I licked Cilantro's head today. He seemed really happy for some reason. He was all nuzzly and purry and stuff. I guess he's ok sometimes. His head tastes pretty good too.

Saturday
I had a dream that I was chasing Cilantro and Oregano and howling. It was the best dream ever. Actually, today was a really good day. I mostly slept, but I also ate some too. If only every day could be so perfect.

Sunday
One thing that really annoys me (well, one of many things) is that sometimes, when I'm trying to get a point across to another cat or person through the medium of hissing, I snort. I think the comical sound detracts from the message I'm trying to communicate. The message of "I don't like you."

Monday
When the humans weren't looking I jumped on the counter and ate some of their food. It didn't taste very good. But hey, it was food.

Tuesday
I couldn't find my Spiderman ball ANYWHERE. I looked through the entire house and I howled for it because I thought it might recognize my voice or something, but it still didn't turn up. I AM SO MAD. I think I'll go take my anger out on someone's arm.

Wednesday
I found my Spiderman ball (it was in the litterbox! Who knew?), I ate some food, and I let the humans pet me. Oh, and Cilantro was very nice to me. And Oregano stayed out of my way. Life is good.

So you think you can edit

You may be an editor if...

• You're the only person you've ever known who excelled in 8th-grade sentence diagramming
  

• Your friends on Facebook send you flair and bumper stickers on grammar humor
  

• You know the subjunctive mood, and you aren't afraid to use it
  

If you're so smart, take the Grammar Girl challenge (boys can take it too).
Ready for a real challenge? Test your copyediting competence (no peeking! see how many of the 60 editorial errors you can find).

How did you do?

If cats had language (and blogs): Cilantro's blog

[Today's post is by my daughter, Lauren, a teenager who loves language almost as much as she loves our cats, Parsley, Cilantro, and Oregano.]

Parsley is the sole reason for my existence
By Cilantro

My Profile

Name: Cilantro Q. Moore
Location: The house where Parsley is
About me
I love Parsley. She has the softest ears, and the nicest meow... She's really a sweet cat once you get to know her. I think she loves me. Her fur is the prettiest shade of brown. She's so beautiful. I love her I love her I love her.

Interests
Parsley, being licked by Parsley, listening to Parsley's voice, sleeping in the same room as Parsley, eating in the same room as Parsley, existing in the same room as Parsley.

Music
Parsley's voice, anything but rap and country

Books
Whatever Parsley is sleeping on at the moment--I think it's the small person's algebra textbook

Quotes
No fate is worse than a life without Parsley.
-Czechoslovakian proverb

Parsley is the reward of life.
-Congolese proverb

Parsley doubles joy and halves grief.
-Egyptian proverb

Friday
Parsley loves me. She loves me. Today she licked my head before she clawed it and hissed at it. Sigh. I love Parsley so much.

Saturday
Today Parsley ate some of my food and then spit it out. I think her saliva was still on it. It was the best food I ever ate.

Sunday
For some reason the people insist on picking me up and cuddling me. When they do this I am no longer at Parsley-height. This makes me angry. Today they picked me up and I was away from her for like twenty whole seconds before they put me down again.

Monday
I sniffed Parsley's butt today. That made her mad for some reason. She growled at me a lot. It's ok, I'm used to it. I like the way she smells. I love Parsley so much. Parsley, if you're reading this, sorry I made you hiss at me. I love you.

Tuesday
Parsley scratched me across the face today. She touched me!! I'm so happy. I love her. I can't believe she touched me! With her paw and everything! Oh, hey, I'm bleeding.

Wednesday
I don't understand why Parsley likes being outside so much. It's so noisy! And there's lots of strange things out there, like grass and benches and stuff! I'd be scared. But not Parsley. She's so brave. I love her.

Thursday
She has the voice of an angel. I'm so glad I get to hear it every day for so long. Even her hisses are melodious.

Friday
Today I cuddled with one of the people--the small one. She's not Parsley, but I tolerate her because without her, no one would feed my beloved. Well, except for the other two I guess. I cuddle with them sometimes too. They're not Parsley either. I guess they can stick around though. I mean, they feed me too. But I always give the best bits of my food to Parsley anyway.

Saturday
Today the people left for a while. I got to hear Parsley's voice. I fell asleep and dreamed she was chasing me and howling. It was the best dream ever.

Sunday
I wrote Parsley a poem today. This is how it goes:

Meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow
Mew mew mew mew mew
Mew mew mew mew mew
Meow meow meow meow meow.

It's a limerick! I hope she likes it.

Monday
I think she liked it. She only snorted at me once when I read it to her! That's like a record or something. Also today I licked her ear a little bit. She has soft ears. I love her so much.

Tuesday
I watched Parsley sleep. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up the people were petting my belly but in my sleep I thought it was maybe Parsley.

Wednesday
I LOVE PARSLEY. Just wanted to get that out there.

Punctuation, smunkuation

Not really! But sometimes it seems that way. Are commas really becoming optional?

• Hi Jack. Anything wrong with this? Yes; it should be Hi, Jack.
  

"Hi" is a greeting, just like "Hello" or "Yo" or "Good morning." And a comma is needed to separate the greeting from the person you're addressing. Otherwise, it just runs together nonsensically. The confusion may stem from letter writing, where a common salutation is something like "Dear Penelope," as in "My dear Penelope, I've missed you..." or whatever. In this case, "Dear" modifies Penelope; leaving out the comma is correct.

Here's another example:

Me: Carl bring us some tea please.
Carl: My sweet tea is served.

Did you have trouble following that? Commas to the rescue:

Me: Carl, bring us some tea, please.
Carl. My sweet, tea is served.

For more fun, grab a cool drink and read this classic and delightful essay on punctuation "Notes on Punctuation," by Lewis Thomas.